PTM Praises Capaz in Weekly Blog

PTM praised goaltending phenom, Giancarlo Capaz, in this week's write-up on their website in regards to his stellar shut-out performance against the Stealth Assassins. The blurb also name-drops Alain Godard for his lone goal.

Here is a repost of it:

The Shockers stun the Stealth Assasins. Capaz does the job in nets.
The Shockers caused a major upset as they defeated the mighty Stealth Assasins 1-0. G.Capaz made 25 saves to earn his first shutout of the season while A.Goddard scored teh game's lone goal; it was his first of the season.

et en français:

Les Shockers surprennent les Stealth Assasins. Capaz fait le travail dans les filets.
Les Shockers ont causé une belle surprise en disposant des puissants Stealth Assasins au compte de 1 à 0. G.Capaz a repoussé 25 tirs pour mériter son premier jeu blanc de la saison tandis que A.Goddard a inscrit l'unique but de la rencontre; c'était son premier de la saison.

THE 10 Q's: Giancarlo "Clamster" Capaz

We're shaking things up a bit and stepping away from the seriousness of the usual pre-game/post-game postings with this new segment we're calling The 10 Q's.

We take 10 of the best questions we received from fans and curious blog enthusiasts and picked a random Shocker to fill in the blanks for us.

This week is none other than goalie and teenager girl heart-throb, Giancarlo "Drunken Clam" Capaz.

Q1: How did you get started with the Shockers?
A1: Well I have been playing ball hockey for about the past 6 yrs. First started off with The Blues, then Les Buddys followed by Damage Inc and currently with The Shockers.
The idea of getting a bunch of guys together from work and building a team always struck me, but I wasn’t up for assuming the role as the team GM. From past experience, I’ve lost way too much coins, and way too much wood that I even had the people at Viagra questioning their product. Once our former captain stepped to the plate [Alain Godard, aka “PTB”] I was in.

Q2: In you didn’t play hockey, what would you be doing instead?
A2: Not sure. Probably rubbing one out or see Question 6.

Q3: There are always heated moments when you are with a team, which Shocker would you lose it on?
A3: Yes – there have been heated moments in the locker room, but I usually tend to keep to myself rather losing on someone.
However, if I had to choose someone, it would have to be Rossi.

Reason:
I sure I could loss it on him to another level and he wouldn’t even know – that damn guy is always thinking.

Q4: A shot from The Claw at 10 feet or a shot for Chris Diabo at 30 feet?
A4: That’s a damn good question considering that both have injured me during warm-ups [Bloody Toe by the Claw, and Busted Finger by Diabo]

However Diabo’s shoot tends to gain velocity, dips, turns, and curves – Fuck the ball has a mind of its own when it leaves his stick the further he is. This could lead to some serious injuries: concussion, or even a drop in my sperm count. I’ll pass and take on the CLAW any day.

Q5: If you to challenge any WWE wrestler (past or present) to a cage match, who would you take on?
A5: I used to be a HUGE Wrestling fan, before ECW was bought out by the shitty WWE. Anyways, if I would have to challenge a WWE wrestler [past or present] to a Cage match, it would have to be the HULK Hogan, the HULKSTER himself.

Main reason:
You deserve having your ass thrown off the steel cage after using a Shitty Ass Leg Drop to KO wrestlers for the past decade. How can that even be a finishing move?

Q6: Shockers’ game 7 for the cup or cheap dance night at the Amazon, where would GC be?
A6: A wise man once told that you should never pay for SEX… with that being said, he’s an Idiot. Definitely @ Amazon’s painting the place white.
I feel phenomenal after my cheap $10 dance, knowing that I helped support a single mother.

Q7: Shockers’ game 7 for the cup or anniversary dinner with the girlfriend?
A7: Four words – “TOO MUCH QUALITY TIME”.
Would definitely be Game 7 for the Cup, unless I some how cross a stripe club on the way there… hey could happen.

Q8: ATM or Drive-by Bukkake?
A8: Definitely a Drive-by Bukkake.
I’m all about dropping a load, and bouncing before they even know what hit them.





Q9: Francois Hamelin is growing a mustache, does he look like George Parros, Bert Reynolds or Planter’s Peanut Man with a mustache?
A9: Neither.
Let’s be honest, he looks like Wild Bill or a broken down Theodore Roosevelt











Q10: Alain Godard is known for going “dick out”, do you second guess sitting beside him in the dressing room?
A10: Actually, after hearing that Alain is known for going “dick-out” I have tried sitting closer to him in the locker room.
Let’s get something straight, I’m far from being gay, but I for one am curious to see if he has a pony tail down below. Maybe has it groomed like ZZ Top, who knows.

Capaz and Godard Shine In Shutout Win

Final Score
Shockers 1
Stealth Assassins 0

Like the old saying goes: Games are won with defense. It was definitely true for the Shockers last night.

The Shockers were so short-staffed they were actually missing a full line of forwards so coach, GM and player, Francois Hamelin, opted to call Marc Boucher and Jeff Jasmin into his office to propose them spots up front.

"I honestly thought that we were going to get killed. When you have to play a team who are high up in the standings, on the big surface, with just four defense and missing some of our top goal scorers...you're not thinking this is going to go our way," commented Andrew Stevens.

Stevens was gravely wrong as the Shockers, for the second time this season, out-ran and out-battled their opponents.

"We had a lot of great chances that we should have capitalized on," said Mike Rossi after the game, "we were so close many times but it just would not go in for us."

The lone goal came from Alain Godard, who finally broke the ice with his first goal this season. Godard jumped on a loose ball that went astray when the Assassins defense clearing attempt was abruptly ruined by a broken stick leaving Godard to have his way with the goaltender. A somewhat debatable goal, Godard rang it of the interior of the cross bar which caused a stir between the refs and the Assassins but Godard's conviction won over. "When you know it's in, you know it's in and the ref saw it too so I knew I wasn't going crazy," explained Godard.

Godard snaps a 9-game goalless streak with this game-winner and as certain players explain, they might have been riding Godard a bit too hard during the season:

"[laughs] Yeah, we might have poked fun at him a few times at work, in the dressing room, on the bench, a bit everywhere...he was taking it from all angles...a real bukkake of one-liners," chuckled Giancarlo "Clamster" Capaz.

"Finalement! Ostie!" worded line-mate, Ben Ducharme.

"He might have broken the ice but he can suck my dick if he thinks he's touching one of my Corona's, the goal wasn't that nice!" joked Joey Rae.

The Shockers maintained a 1-0 lead from the first period all the way through to the end of the game with a big help from goalie, Giancarlo Capaz, who turned away a handful of key opportunities the Assassins had. "Some of those guys had shots, but I saw mostly all of them and got lucky on a few," added Capaz.

"Got lucky on a few," is quite the understatement as Capaz had made a first period save with his glove without even knowing it, "I was going to chip it aside with my blocker and it somehow ended up in my glove. I only realized it when the ref blew the whistle," explained Capaz.

Despite Capaz getting his first official shutout this season, the Shockers' special teams really held it down for him last night. The power-play had many chances especially coming of the way of Ben Ducharme who missed the net on a few one-timers. Ducharme even returned to the bench after the first period to appologize to his team-mates for missing some huge chances on go ahead goals. The penalty kill was especially on fire; the biggest test came when they had to kill a 4-minute high sticking call against Jeff Jasmin. "That call was bullshit, they did the same exact thing and they get 2 minutes, but you take it how they call it.....cracker!" commented Jasmin.

The Shockers will enjoy some time off until their next game which takes place on December 26 @ 3pm. The Shockers will take on the very deadly Hitmen who are enjoying a successful season thus far going a perfect 9-0. Shockers may benefit by showing up with enough players and hoping that the Hitmen lack fire power due to the holiday season. Regardless, the Shockers should get ready for a fast-paced game as the Hitmen have been taking no prisoners.

Shockers Etching Closer to 500 with Forfeit Win

NDG Choppers had to cancel this past Saturday's game against the Shockers which, in PTM, is an automatic forfeit. Shockers will gladly take the freebie as they are trying to sneak up closer and closer to 500 hockey.

"It's never fun to not play hockey but at this point we'll take a win anyway we can get it," commented Francois Hamelin.

NDG Choppers surcame to a dissappointing conclusion late in the week leading up to the game that they would not have enough players dressed for the game.

Shockers who are now 4-5-0 and sit in 8th place will have be ready for an intense game against the Stealth Assassins (5-3-1) this coming Thursday. Already, the Shockers have been out of action for about a week and a half so there might be a bit of a rust factor especially to those who have not been able to attend the optional practices the team has been holding. But, the Shockers might be catching the Assassins at a rough time as they have been 0-2-1 in their last 3 games whereas the Shockers are 2-1-0 in their last 3. Regardless, if the Shockers can come out strong like they did against Subzero, we'll have an interesting game, but if they come out of the gates like they did against the Kennedy Crew, forget it, they might as well stay home.

Carlo Varano will still be out and is likely to miss the rest of the season, Frankie Ortuso has yet to report in on his groin injury, Alain Godard is back in the line-up but Giancarlo Capaz will be a big question mark to start as he is still battling his four-season long flu-like symptoms.

Next game: Thursday @ 10:30pm vs. the Stealth Assassins on the big surface at the Sports XPO.

Check back soon as this week's edition of 10 Q's will be answered by none other than Giancarlo "Juan Luis Bodega Santa Maria Del Cullo de Buitre" Capaz.

Put the Breaks On 500

Final Score
Kennedy Crew 6
Shockers 3

The light at the end of the tunnel for the Shockers was breaking into the 500 club but those hopes were set aside abruptly by a team who has been experiencing a difficult start, the Kennedy Crew.

Kennedy Crew were 1-4-0 coming into the game and picked up an uplifting win against the Shockers last Thursday, so where does that leave the Shockers going into this next stretch of games against teams higher up in the standings?

"We'll just have to play harder and stop making mistakes," commented Andrew Stevens who was held off the scoresheet for the first time in 3 games.

Mistakes are definitely something the Shockers need to cut out of their vocabulary. At least 4 out of 6 goals last game against the Kennedy Crew were attributed to grave mistakes by both the offense and defense. With that being said, the Shockers will have to go back to square one and look to games against Mobilart and Subzero for inspiration. It's not hard to play man-to-man coverage on a small surface, this is where the Shockers succeed, but on a large surface where cardio is key, the Shockers are struggling. The Shockers have bigger guys so maybe a stay-at-home approach should be applied by the defense while the forwards play a trap system; either way, the team has to figure out something for games on the large surface.

Next few games will present Shockers with some new challenges: better teams and missing players. NDG Choppers, Stealth Assassins and Hitmen are all good teams who have been having a great deal of success this season. On the flip side, the Shockers will be scouring around to find players to patch in the gaps of missing players, the likes of Carlo Varano (indefinitely, personal reasons), Frankie Ortuso (day-to-day, groin), Alain Godard (day-to-day, sun burn) and Andrew Stevens (1 game, rocking out). With all these players out, who could be the cream filling? Nick Petosa? JK 77? Andrew Johnson?

Andrew Johnson, whose contract was bought out by the Shockers two seasons ago, has been left on the back-burner since and has voiced his opinion about the Shockers on numerous occassions. Words like "mofos" and "rat-sized penis suckers" have been used to describe the level of professionalism in handling Johnson's final game in his 3-game contract. "I was shammed and now I hate that team. I hope the goalie gets hit by a bus," Johnson explained. Despite his animosity for the team, perhaps now that the team is in a bind, could both parties put their differences aside or will the hate-crew saga continue?

Look for an interesting night of new faces on Saturday as the Shockers will go grill-on-grill with the NDG Choppers in their hopes to gripe their way back into 500 contention.

THE 10 Q's: Andrew Stevens

We're shaking things up a bit and stepping away from the seriousness of the usual pre-game/post-game postings with a new segment we're calling The 10 Q's.

We take 10 of the best questions we received from fans and curious blog enthusiasts and picked a random Shocker to fill in the blanks for us.

This week is none other than left winger, Andrew Stevens.

Q1: What got you started with the Shockers?
A1: I was part of the conception of this team so if you take Alain Godard and make him the mother of the Shockers, I was one of the fathers that hit that and I've been ruining that ass ever since.

Q2: Who has the strangest pre-game preparation in the dressing room?
A1: I'd have to say either Francois Hamelin or Frankie Ortuso. Hamster because he enjoys taping his jock strap on before every game, usually the tighter, the better. Blue balls before the game lets him play with more of an edge. Ortuso, because he makes these faces that remind you a bit of Bill Cosby while he talks about pulling his groin muscle.

Q3: If you were to get ridiculously plastered with one of the Shockers, who would it be?
A3: Definately not Jeff! I'd like to keep my asshole its current size. Jeff gets a little frisky after double Appletons. There is actually a myth about Jeff, he once walked outside with an erection, sadly, there were no survivors.

Q4: In your opinion, which Shocker would make a terrible father?
A4: Capaz. If he wouldn't get his kid drunk every day before going to daycare, he would probably lose his kid's college fund in a poker game and then bet his kid on black in roulette.




Q5: Tug of war between Joey Rae and Mike Rossi, who would win?
A5: Oh nice! The classic battle between David and Goliath. Undertaker and Kane. Little People Big World and John and Kate Plus 8. I'd have to go with Joey.

Q6: Bret "Hitman" Hart vs. Corey Hart in a race around the world, who would win?
A6: Corey Hart is a sly fox but not sure how he would fess up about finding his way around when it is dark if he plans on wearing his sunglasses at night. But then again, can Bret even see out of those pink glasses? They're not even glasses, they're like cardboard cut outs!

Q7: Ramen noodles or Kraft Dinner?
A7: All over the Kraft Dinner! Soaks up the alcohol nice and is smooth when barfed up.

Q8: Do you call it "getting head" or "making throat babies"?
A8: Throat babies!

Q9: If you weren't playing hockey for the Shockers, what sport would you look into joining?
A9: I'd like to get into MMA fighting but I'm not sure about taking punches to the face. I'd have to be huge like Brock Lesner, untouchable like George St-Pierre and black from the waist down.

Q10: You have Irish and Ukrainian blood in you, people say that you actually live in a state of drunkenness all the time. True or false.
A10: I wouldn't say state of drunkenness but rather a state of ecstasy and euphoria. Some people smoke and fly, I'd rather drink and drive. I'm not condoning drinking and driving but definitely makes traffic a whole lot more fun!

Watch Stevens this coming Thursday as he and Shockers take on the Kennedy Crew in their attempts to make it to 500.

Shockers Put Subzero On Ice

Final Score
Shockers 5
Subzero 3

Chalking up the Shockers' third victory in the last four games, El Capitaino, Francois "Big Slapper" Hamelin is feeling much better about how this team has turned around a rough start this season: "We're finally getting a better feel out there on the floor and the guys are working hard. Good things are happening. OLE!"

The Shockers were eager to win this game and make it two wins in a row but what was another incentive was the fact that speedy-man Mike Minkiewicz's brother, Steve, was sitting on the other bench. Steve, who currently leads Subzero in points was looking to give his little brother a run for his money, but in the end Little Mink stole the show was a couple of goals and an assist or two to add to his point total.

Also making his mark thisgame was Frankie "Minute Man" Ortuso who pounded home two goals, one of which wizzed by goalie Andrew Caruso and the other was an empty net goal. This was Ortuso's third game of the season after missing a few games due to a groin injury. "My groin is still killing me but when I was out of the floor I felt like I was flying on a unicorn of mystic powers," stated Ortuso after the game.

Amongst the pair of goals by both Minkiewicz and Ortuso, the other goal came from Andrew Stevens who had seen a lot of playing time last night. "Frankie was hurt and he gave it his all out there so he changed often but we always told the guys that if they're tired, get off. It is better to get off than to try stay on an not be effective. I didn't mind the playing time but at the end, I was pretty dead," chuckled Stevens.

Shockers did move the ball out of their zone quickly and were rarely jammed in their zone for the most part. There was a lot of impressive plays made by Francois Hamelin who is still riding the high of his first goal and Gary McDermott who has been solid all season of defence. "We're moving the ball out well and we're making those important break out passes. That's how we'll need to start out our attacks," added Greg Emmanuel.

Despite all the good news, the Shockers have still not seen the scoring touch of Alain "Duck Tails" Godard. He is thus far 7 games into the season without a goal and is one of the few Shockers who remain goaless.

"He's been getting some chances but he's got to be a little more selfish and take those shots," commented Stevens on Godard's playing.

"Hahaha, yeah, it's not going so well," chuckled Godard.

"Attend! Quand il va casser la glace! Check lui, il va être en feu" added line-mate Ben Ducharme.

With the Shockers making it two in a row, the team looks to make it three when they face the Kennedy Crew next Thursday @ 11:30pm. The Kennedy Crew is currently 1-3-0 according to the very up to date PTM website, but experienced the taste of winning in their most recent game against the Hawks which begs to wonder if KC is turning their season around as well.

Hot or Subzero?

Shockers will look to not get iced tomorrow night against Subzero, a game that is building up to be a rivalry and a half.

The brotherly love has turned bitter in the Minklewicz household as brothers Mike and Steve will face off against each other for the first time this season. Mike, however, is not so worried about the sourness, "[Steve]'s been talking smack but at the end of the game, THIS GUY (points thumbs at himself), will come out on top! Anyways, I drink more milk that he can ever imagine!"

Shockers, on the other hand, received some bad news as play maker, Carlo Varano, might be out for the rest of the season. Not a lot of details were released but Francois Hamelin did say this in a statement:

"Carlo is going through some tough times and needs to step away from hockey to take care of his family. Our thoughts are with him and the members of his family and wish him the best of luck."

The Shockers have stated that there will be no replacement called up for Varano in case he decides to return but in any case, the forward lines are full for the moment.

The game plan for the Shockers is simple: Finish! They need to capitalize on the chances they get and continue to play for the whole 60 minutes. In the last game against Mobilart, they let down their guard for a minute and Mobilart scored, so they need to make sure this doesn't happen against a more dangerous team.

Mobilart Not So Mobile Against Shockers

Final Score
Shockers 5
Mobilart 2

With a name like Mobilart, you'd think that you have a certain level of expectations to live up to but it was quite the opposite this past Saturday night as they took on the Shockers.

Mobilart looked very short-benched with just 3 changes on the bench and the fatigue really showed middle-way through the second and most of the third.

Shockers, also short-benched, did look a lot more organized and solid in their two-way play. Alain "Barber Shop Assassin" Godard, Frankie "Wine 'n' Dine" Ortuso, Carlo "David Blaine" Varano, and Greg "Balls like Basketballs" Emmanuel were amongst the missing-in-action and all healthy scratches. The team called in off-season "now you see him, now you don't," Nick Petosa to fill in the gap up front and was very impressive throughout the match. Petosa slap 'n'chopped a goal of his own and set up a series of good plays to charge the Mike 'n' Mike combo. Due to the unexpected disapperance of Carlo Varano right before the game, the Shockers had to ask Gary "Green Giant" McDermott to play forward and was also very impressive. McDermott scored a goal on one of his first shifts with Andrew Stevens and Ben Ducharme and had a handful of other great chances to score.

The hype of the night definately had to go to the first ever goal of Francois Hamelin. The loyal defenseman, interim captain, coach, scout and GM of this season's Shockers was goal-less for the past four seasons and finally broke the seal with a clit-popper from the point. Hamelin's celebrations were comparable to those of Alexander Ovechkin, however, Hamelin's celebrations turned for the worse when he prematurly ejactulated on an unsuspecting spectator and then punched her square in the breast. No charges were pressed on Hamelin but the spectator did have this to say: "He came on me, socked me in the tit and called me 'Bitch!' but yeah...I deserved it."

Hamelin's official breaking of the seal did spark the charge for more goals as Hamelin, on the same shift as his first goal, laced a howitzer from the slot and beaned the goalie right off the mask. The goalie, shaken not stirred, was a little dazed by the purple haze of the day's shame glaze, recovered soon after the shot to the melon but admits he didn't even know what hit him: "I didn't even know what hit him...I mean, me."

Amongst the goals of McDermott, Petosa and Hamelin, Mike "The Thinker" Rossi, ripped 'n' roared two goals throughout the game. Disappointed that he did not round-up the hat-trick, he threw away the game ball; the same game ball goalie, Giancarlo Capaz, wanted to give to Hamelin to commemorate his first goal of his career. Rossi had this to say: "You know I thought of something, I should have given [Hamelin] the game ball."

The Shockers know that that victory was attributed to hard-work but also realize that the team they played was a very tired club and for the most part was barely moving out on the floor.

"They were tired and we took advantage but not every game will be a gift like this. We have to continue to work hard, capitalize on our chances and that is how we're going to keep a win-streak going," commented Hamelin.

Next game is against Mike "Twinkle Toes" Minklewicz's brother's team, Subzero, this coming Thursday @ 9:30pm. Steve Minklewicz is arguably one of Subzero's best players and will be needed to be shutdown in order to keep this game in check. Thus far, there are no reports of missing players for the Shockers but that is subject to change as game day approaches, still waiting for Ortuso to report in. Subzero (2-3-0) has been having some of their own issues finishing on top as they have been getting squeaked by in each of their losses. The game will take place on the small surface, a surface where the Shockers perform well on so look for a fast moving, energetic game as the Shockers attempt to make it two-in-a-row.

Looking up?

Who would of thought that the Shockers of this season would have been off to one of the rockiest starts in team history? With the acquisitions made during the off-season; on paper, this team looks a lot better than those of the past, but what is working for the Shockers? Let's take a look!

For starters, the Shockers are struggling to generate offense and have been held to just 8 goals in 5 games. With the off-season choking of Nick Petosa and Steve Minklewicz, the grand-stand rumour-mills were left scratching their heads at the question of: Who would be the big scorer of this season? Thus far, no one has really stepped up to the plate.

Secondly, goaltending has become a huge factor. Despite Giancarlo Capaz kicking the drinking habit this year, he seems to be even worse than when he used to show up to the games half-in-the-bag. Speculations were that it might be his pads but let's face it...little queer, buddy....doesn't look like it is going so well.

The Shockers will go into this next game against Mobilart with a few players out. Frankie "Condom Canon" Ortuso will miss the game as he is moon-lighting for Mr. Las Vegas himself, Wayne Newton at the MGM Grand this weekend. Ortuso has no points in the 2 games he's played this season. Alain Godard will be out as he is away for family business and Greg "Basketball Jones" Emmanuel might miss as he is coaching a basketball team in a tournament. It still remains unknown who will be filling in up front but rumours have been tossed around that it might be off-season back-out Nick Petosa.

The Shockers need to pull-up their socks if they wish to climb their way out of the cellar of the league. Look for a big game from the boys as they know this is a perfect time to turn this season around.

Who wants a mustache ride?

ITT Gives Shockers Another Loss

Final Score
ITT 3
Shockers 1

Well chalk up another loss but at least the Shockers can look back at last night as another night of no breaks.

Posts, missed nets, mystery saves and anything else you can think of happened for the short-benched Shockers last night. A Shockers squad that lacked the likes of Carlo Varano, Frankie Ortuso and Joey Rae, they definitely showed a new side of offense and pretty much dominated most of the game.

With a few unlucky Shocker turnovers, ITT rolled away with 3 goals throughout the game, one of which came short-handed. Despite that goal, the Shockers did look a bit more organized on the power-play and actually had several opportunities to score including a Ben Ducharme post-ringer in the third period. The defense jumped on the attack a lot more, notably, the Green Giant, Gary McDermott, who laced a handful of shots from the point, with no avail.

The Shockers lone goal came from Andrew Stevens snapping it past the goalie off a nice feed from Ben Ducharme. That was his first of the season.

The Shockers are not looking in good shape in the standings but team is showing decent progress and should only be a matter of time before the troop clicks together. Francois Hamelin, who ended up playing last night despite battling the flu, commented on the situation: "We're still finding our groove, it is taking awhile but once we get rolling I think we'll all feel much better."

New comer, Mike Minklewicz, also commented, "There are a bunch of new faces in the dressing room and we're all trying to adjust to each other. Give it time and we'll be there when the time comes. By the way, have you seen my milk? I thought I put my cup right here!"

Looking at the current injuries, Ortuso should be back in the line-up for next week's game against Mobilart. However, Rae looks like he will be side-lined for at least another week. Team doctors are monitoring his situation as day-to-day. Hamelin played last night and will most likely be back to 100% for next week.

A pre-game summary will follow next week as we'll take a look at the match-up between the Shockers and Mobilart.

Midnight Madness

The ailing Shockers will be limping into tonight's game against I.T.T with a series of side-lined players.

Latest on the injured reserve list is big defensive powerhouse, Joey Rae, who announced late last night to the team that he is out for a minimum of two weeks with a knee injury. He will be going in for a MRI this weekend to determine what the overall issue is but is hopeful that he will not have to undergo season-ending surgery.

"We all take some falls in our careers and it is important to stay strong during those times," Rae commented.

Also out is Frankie Ortuso who sustained a groin injury and will be sidelined for an undetermined amount of time. Ortuso who has played just two games this season is disappointed that he cannot contribute to the team: "I hope I can recover as quick as possible so I can get back out there. My main goal is to get back to 100%."

Francois Hamelin is will most likely sit out tonight with the flu but does remain as a game-time decision. The team captain did convey his aspirations for a 'W' against I.T.T: "We're in a situation where some guys are hurt and some are sick so the guys who are healthy will get a lot of playing time, this is what they wanted so this is their time to shine. They can pull this win off!"

The Shockers will be also without leading scorer Carlo Varano as he is a healthy scratch for tonight's game. No other details were disclosed.

Guillaume Cote will be making his third straight appearance in the Shockers' uniform to fill in the gap up front and Ben Ducharme is back from serving his two-game suspension.

ITT have the same record as the Shockers this season at 1-3-0 so it will be a heated battle for the ultimate victory.

Post game reactions will be posted tomorrow as soon as the speed pills wear off and the coffee kicks in because we'll be up until 3am due to the fantastic scheduling of PTM's hockey league of champions. I quit this bitch!

Sante and Côté Get the Call

Shockers will enter into tonight's game against the Saints with two call-ups in the line-up.

Guillaume Côté and Jon Sante both received calls this week to help out the Shockers as a few of their regulars are healthy scratches.

Ben Ducharme is sitting out his last of two game suspension after he attempted to relocate the nose of an Underdog player in a scrum two weeks ago. Ducharme was fined by the league and slapped with a two-game suspension for his actions.

Mike Rossi will be out to attend a sermon from a Buddhist-extremist cult which he is considering to join. Despite saying him saying that he is not so much into religion, he did agree that they had good ideas to battle global warming, conflicts in the middle-east, and white supremecy in the south states of the U.S. by communicating with alien space ships of another dimension. He admitted that the fruit punch served at every meeting is worth missing hockey for because it is very tastey but makes him very tired for some reason.

Mike Minklewicz will be M.I.A. to attend his book signing event. Minklewicz looks to surpass J.K. Rowling in total sales this year with his hit book series, "Weaving Baskets Saved Me From Posting Embarassing Videos of Myself on Youtube."

Guillaume Côté will be making his second straight appearance centering Andrew Stevens and Alain Godard. Côté scored a goal in the Shockers' victory against Special Delivery.

Jon Sante will make his season debut centering Carlo Varano and Frankie Ortuso. Sante who was held off the scoredsheet last season plans to make a better impact this time around, and ultimately, stay out of the penalty box.

Frankie "It's not STD, it's an STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection is now the politically correct term)" Ortuso is back from the beer pong championship in Dallas, Texas. Despite Ortuso not winning the tournament he did state that it was a great success and gave two thumbs up. The Shockers are very happy to have his speed and grit back in the line-up.

As for the Saints, they are currently 1-1-1 so their performance is still foggy but have been noted to keep it a close game.

We'll see what happens tonight @ 7:30. If the Shockers continue to play as they did last game they will have a good chance at making it two wins in a row, however, if Giancarlo Capaz opts to wear his new pads, it might be a long night for the team.

Shockers Deliver the 'W'

Final Score
Shockers 5
Special Delivery 3

If you looked at the Shockers on paper at the beginning of the season, last night was an example of how you would expect the team to play. Defensive unit was near perfect, offense finally woke up and scored some goals and goaltending was solid as solid could be.

Special Delivery (1-2-0) was fairly short-benched for the match, they took it easy in the first half of the game with smart positioning and attempts to control the tempo. They found production by dumping the ball back to the point and jamming home the rebounds and kept the Shockers at bay by keeping their defense deep in their zone to protect the net.

However, the Shockers found their step late in the second period when Special Delivery went up 2-1. The Shockers found the secret to breaking the Special Delivery wall and replied with three goals before SD were able to beat Giancarlo Capaz to make the game 4-3. The time was burning away as SD were struggling to make any progress on the Shockers defensive shield, despite the Shockers being on a penalty kill late in the third. With the monstrous SD goaltender leaving the net for the extra attacker, Carlo Varano, with a diving sprawl, eliminated all hope for SD as he stole the ball away from the defense and was home-free with the empty netter goal. Varano completed the hat-trick with the buzzer beater and was ultimately the nail in the coffin.

Despite Varano's stellar performance, he was modest about it: "Don't worry about the hat-trick, what is important is that we got the 'W'"

Also inked on the scoresheet was call-up Guillaume Côté who posted a debatable goal as a high slapper from Alain Godard was tipped in by Côté's hand. Special Delivery argued the call with no avail, the goal was signalled "good" by the referees. Côté filled in for the suspended Ben Ducharme. Côté commented on the matter: "Well, le gros, you know it feels great to come in and play, le gros, but is even better to score a goal and help out the team on the scoreboard, you know what I mean le gros?"

The other scorer for the Shockers was the speedy Mike Minklewicz who howitzered a shot five-hole on the Monster, he had this to say to the press: "The goal was pretty sweet, huh? By the way, I'd like to thank my sponsor, Milk, does the body good!"

The Shockers' over-all buzz of the room after the game was very energetic and the team was happy to get the monkey-off-the-back.

Some of the players commented below:

Joey Rae: "It was like Christmas bitch! Coronas for everyone!"

Giancarlo Capaz: "Fuck man, it was like the weight of the world was off our shoulders. FUCK!"

Jeff Jasmin: "Soooooooooo horny!"

Mike Rossi: "You know what? I thought of something....we won!"

Francois Hamelin: "Our guys should be proud tonight. We played an excellent game. Everyone hustled. It was definately our best game to date. Now leave me alone, I have a date with some victory beers!"

Shockers' next game is next Thursday @ 7:30pm against the Saints. The Saints are currently 2-0-0 this season and their next game is this Saturday against the Stealth Assassins (2-0-0). The Saints squeezed a win against ITT by ways of a shootouts in the opening week and then dusted the Iron Wolves 3-1 the following week when they lit the lamp three times in the third period.

Out for the Shockers next game is still Ben Ducharme to serve his last game of his suspension, the status of Frankie Ortuso in the beer pong championship is unknown and so is his virginty (or the virginity of anyone else in his path), so he might be a late addition to the line-up, Mike Rossi will be a healthy scratch as he is attending a sermon for some underground branch-off of a Buddhist-extremist cult and finally Mike Minklewicz will be doing a book signing to promote his new self-help book series "Weaving Baskets Saved Me From Posting Embarassing Videos of Myself on Youtube." This is the follow-up to his successful relationship-help book series: "Don't Drunk and Dial, Chicks Don't Dig it."

Turning the Tables

The slipping Shockers will look to turn their season around this coming Thursday as they will take on Special Delivery at Laval's SportsXPO. The Shockers are starting their season with a 0-2-0 record, the first time in team history, when they were bombed 6-1 by the Pythons in their season opener and outlasted by the Underdogs 2-1the following week.

Special Delivery start their season with a split 1-1-0 record, winning their first game of the season against SubZero 5-2 but then downed the following week but the NDG Choppers 4-2.

For the Shockers, the real challenge has been trying to find production from their offensive unit as they have been limited to just two goals in two games. Interim captain, Francois Hamelin, comments on the situation: "We know how to score, we're just not doing it. Maybe we're looking for the perfect play or we're just not getting the lucky bounces. Either way, we need to change what is happening."

At least what is being noticed as an improvement is the defensive unit, as they were able to readjust their game after the dismantling against the Pythons.

"We saw how the game play is against the Pythons and we figured out what we need to do game in and game out," explained Jeff Jasmin, who is the current point leader for the Shockers.

The Shockers can praise the solid performances of Giancarlo Capaz who has been nothing but stellar between the pipes despite constantly battling a four-season-long flu. Capaz a.k.a Hollywood turned away several shots and scoring attempts in both of the games but is anxious to have some help from his forwards: "I can't do it all myself, even though I can...but I don't feel like it, BIOTCH!"

To chalk up more bad news for the Shockers is the loss of Ben "Brick Fists" Ducharme who will be taking the press-box seat to serve a two-game suspension for fisting another player's face during a scrum late in the game against the Underdogs. Guillaume Cote got the call to replace Ducharme for at this week's game against Special Delivery and will center Alain Godard and Andrew Stevens. Cote has been called up for several of Shockers games throughout the team's existance.

On the other hand, Shockers did receive some good news from team doctors that Carlo Varano will be back in the line-up after taking a vicious hit from behind late in the game against the Underdogs. Varano was down on the floor for a good 5 minutes before being helped up and was favoring his neck. Doctors re-evaluated his status this past Monday and confirmed that he was in game shape.

Shockers look to turn around the season this Thursday @ 8:30pm.

Under Dogs Shank Shockers in Nail Biter

Final Score
Under Dogs 2
Shockers 1

Where the Shockers are lacking in offense, they are trying to make it up in defense. Shockers kick off this season with a cellar-bound 0-2-0 start, a start practically unheard of in Shocker history.

"We're still trying to find the right chemistry. Our line worked well but we still couldn't find the net," commented Andrew Stevens, who missed an empty net in the first period.

Shockers still need to play 60 minutes of hockey though. Early in the first, they dropped two quick goals in roughly two shifts by simply leaving one man open in front of the net.

"After those two goals, I think we learnt our lesson and we picked up our socks after that," mentioned Greg "Coach's Corner" Emmanuel.

The team also looked sluggish in the second period as they droned through an unproductive 5-on-3 powerplay and then struggled through the rest of the period trying to get the ball out of their zone.

"It wasn't pretty," acknowledged Joey "Corona Crusher" Rae.

The third period, the Shockers did wake up but were unsuccessful in beating the opposing goaltender to tie the game despite pulling Giancarlo "Life in the Fast Lane" Capaz near the end of the game to give the Shockers the extra man. The end of the period did get out of hand when a Under Dog player laid a vicious hit from behind on Shocker's own Carlo Varano which invoked a mob near the Dogs' bench. Ben "The Enforcer" Ducharme came in to defend Varano and ended up clubbing an Under Dog like a seal; the league has yet to review the game to decide on diciplinary actions to be taken on Ducharme. Team doctors will re-evaluate Varano's condition on Monday before they give him the OK to play next Thursday.

More news on Varano's status next week.

Shockers Get Trampled in Season Opener

Final Score
Pythons 6
Shockers 1

Expectations were rather high for the Shockers this season but after last night's game, the visions of grandeur can finally be put into a more realistic perspective. Bottom line, the Shockers are just going to have to work harder if they want to make an impact in this league.

Shockers started off strong last season and then fell to a disappointing route of loses and team conflicts near the end of the season which in turn led to a short-lived playoff stint. The Shockers of this season have started in an entirely different tune as they were pummeled by the Pythons in last nights brew-ha-ha, 6-1.

Let's not take anything away from the Pythons as they are defending champions of the 'D' division in Laval and have a solid core of quick players and a playbook of smart passing plays. On some goals, Shockers were left scratching their heads as to where the ball even got through.

So where did everything go wrong?

Number one, defensive breakdowns. Straight and simple, you cannot let the other team have two or three feet of open space. The ball is bouncy and they are much quicker than the Shockers, so it did open the doors to a lot of opportunities for the Pythons to go on breaks or have at it alone in front of the net with goaltender, Giancarlo Capaz. And a simple notion, a player standing between you and the goalie is more dangerous than a shot from afar, pick up the men from in front of the net and disarm them as quick as possible.

Number two, forwards gave up on the defense. It's clear to see that the team has not melded together completely yet because if the team was working together there would not be any holes in the fabric. What am I talking about? On many of the occasions that the Pythons attacked the Shockers, there was always at least one man open in the zone which in the end usually ended up being the goal scorer. With the attitude of "that is not my man I'm not going to do anything about it," is a terrible mentality and you can expect more goals against if this is not rectified. Bottom line, games are won with good defense, that being said, the forwards have to re-learn what playing a defensive game is all about.

Last point, intensity. Shockers looked flat out there as they watched the Pythons pass around them like pylons. The forwards are waiting a "the big break-out pass" and the defense are trying to deal with the three to four Pythons coming into the zone. Shockers' forwards have to be more pro-active in helping out the defense and controlling the ball up the playing surface instead of waiting in the opposing zone half the game. The Shockers should look the cut down to 30 second shifts of full out running instead of trying to drag out a two to three minute shift of standing around and waiting for the ball to magically appear on their sticks. Speaking of intensity, Jeff Jasmin, who was the lone goal-scorer for the Shockers showed his determination and intensity, as usual, but was unsuccessful in infecting the rest of his team with the same energy. They might consider looking to Jasmin for inspiration.

At the end of the game, the Shockers were not silent in the dressing room about the massacre. Each player seemed to have a new aspect to improve their game and even though it is still early in the season, the Shockers still have their work cut-out for them for the next upcoming games. Sure, we can chalk up this loss as "first game of the season shakes" or "first time playing together mishaps" but maybe the Shockers should have considered working out the kinks in the off-season with a few exhibition games where the entire team was present, but hey, this is just one blogger's opinion, right?

Shockers Kick-off Season Tonight

The Shockers are kicking off their fifth straight season as a team tonight in Laval, QC, but the team has never been in worse shape.

For starters, team management failed to fill the roster they originally planned to have.

"We're still two guys short but we wanted to make sure we didn't just take anybody who knows how to hold a hockey stick. We shopped around and we didn't find the guys who we would feel would mesh well with the rest of the guys," commented Francois Hamelin, the Shockers' current talent scout.

Nick Petosa and Mark Gamboz choked on the team at the last minute, the Shockers' did manage to land a more reliable player, Andrew Stevens, who had been holding out on contract agreements throughout much of the off-season. Stevens, despite not saying it had anything to do with the team, said that it was a personal decision to not play the season and if he did play, he would want to stay with the Shockers in Montreal. With Stevens back in the line-up it does get some of the veterans hard-ons:

"I was disappointed when Stevens said he wasn't coming back, who was I going to play with?" questioned long-time linemate, Alain Godard.

"It definately gave me more wood to have him back," added defensive big-man, Joey Rae.

"Heck ya! I went from six to midnight when he walked in the dressing room! I'm horny as f**k!" exclaimed Jeff "Big Black Train" Jasmin.

However, the good news of Stevens coming back did follow with some bad news in terms of injuries.

Mike Rossi might be sidelined once again with a reaggravated knee injury he suffered last season with Damage Inc. and had to miss the last bit of the season. His status is unknown but has not been reported to be on the injured reserve list just yet.

Joey Rae might be sitting out to nurse a shoulder injury he suffered in practice when he and Jeff Jasmin collided during a scrimmage. Team doctors have yet to confirm the severity of the injury but has been noted to be day-to-day with a game time decision attached to it. This will be the first time Rae would miss a game due to injury if team doctors do not clear him to play in tonight's match-up.

Francois Hamelin also suffered an injury to his hand in the same practice as Rae's injury and is questionable about where he stands. He did assure his team he can play but with be duct taping his stick to his glove. He did, however, express great frustration that his injured hand has dented his sexual relationship with the hand in question.

And finally, Hollywood himself, Giancarlo "Juan Carlos" Capaz, is still day-to-day with flu-like symptoms for the fourth straight season. Team doctors refuse to comment about the status of Capaz's health but confirm that he does not have H1N1 despite his recent trips down south to promote his empire of one-dollar Latino strip clubs.

To top off the bad news for the Shockers is Frankie Ortuso who will play tonight's game against the Pioneers but will miss the next 4 games as he is heading to Dallas, TX to compete in a month-long fraternity beer pong tournament. He expressed great excitement as the winner goes on to feature in the next Fat Girls Gone Wild DVD box-set due out Fall 2010.

With many game-time decisions to be made, the Shockers will have to stand tough and play solid. They should not sit back and let the Pioneers pile up on them, the forwards will need to use their speed to make a valid impact in this game.

Game Predicition:
Shockers 5
Pioneers 4

Shockers Announce Season Opener

The Shockers season opener has been announced to the public and it is: Thursday, October 8th @ 10:30 against The Pioneers.

The rest of the schedule should be released within days by the league.

As for the Shockers, they will finalize their pre-season preparation in a final practice tentatively scheduled for Tuesday at their training facility.

"We're all pretty pumped to play and see how the season pans out this season," commented team headman, Francois Hamelin.

Shockers are Victors in Pre-Season Match-Up

It was the first time in over two months that the Shockers reunited to play hockey. Gearing up for another thrilling season this fall, the Shockers called on The Wild for a friendly pre-season dogfight. The Wild, another D division team who will be in the Sunday league, is head-manned by friend of the Shockers' Gennaro Giarrusso (pronounced John-Renaud John-Russo).

Shockers narrowly pulled off the victory 5-3 against the speedy Wild but what was important was that they actually didn't come off as rusty as expected.

"We were a little all over the place and some guys were huffing and puffing near the end but it felt good to be out there again," commented newly elected captain, Francois Hamelin.

Among the players dressed was Andrew Stevens who has been holding out on re-signing with the team with the only reason being, "for personal reasons." Stevens netted two goals last night and seemed at home with long-time line mates Alain Godard and Ben Ducharme but still gave no word about his return to the line-up.

"No comment," added Stevens agent, J.P. Barry.

Also in the line-up was former bruiser, Dwayne Pilon, who has aspirations to return to the team after a long absence.

"I was busy with work and other activities outside of hockey but I want to make sure that the Shockers know I'm here for them if I'm needed," explained Pilon.

Hamelin was approached by the press about the current Shocker line-up and he replied that he was faced with new challenges. There are two players who had confirmed for about two months that they were part of the team and since this past week have now dropped out of their contracts. Speedy forward, Mark Gamboz, had announced to team management that he was unable to commit to a full season for an unexpected reason. Also bailing on the team is new-comer (and go'er), Nick Petosa who left the team high and dry due to a personal reason which was not released to the press. Team management did announce that they were currently testing the market to fill the voids created by Gamboz and Petosa but with the clock ticking quickly until the new season, it will be interesting what Hamelin and his crew decide to run with.

More news to come in the coming days...

Stevens: Out for the season

The chance to see power forward Andrew Stevens in the line up are getting slimmer everyday. Management tried to convince the left winger to join the team for the 2009/10 season, but seems like Mr.89 has other plans. The decision took everybody by surprise, former line mate Alain Godard explains “He decided not to play this year”… when asked to ellaborate Godard stated “Drew is messed up, one day he’s a singer, next day a comedian, a soccer player, a cyclist, a juggler, a striper, a puppeteer and the list goes on and on. He just needs some time to get his shit together.”

Apparently shaken by the void created by the departure, AG74 comments we’re pretty erratic “Don’t ask me about Stevens… I’m not f**king Nostradamus. Yeah I remember grinding my feet on his couch, cocaine is a hell of a drug”. Clearly, nobody was going to get any valuable information out of the brave heart stunt double.

Stevens did state he would gladly help the team if needed “I will sub any day of the week… Except Sundays, that’s my lazy day to just lay in bed and watch TV covered in shame glaze."

Stevens spent a lot of time discussing the topic with Mats Sundin, he felt he could get a few pointers from him. “I meet Sundin when I was travelling this summer, I was lucky enough to be introduced to him. We sat down and he talked to me for a few hours… I would of probably learned something if he hadn’t decided to make his entire speech in Swedish!!! Big bald dummy, made me lose wood and precious time.”

Management is still hoping to see Stevens have a last minute change of heart, “There’s an open spot up front, if he wants it, done deal…else the rosters will stay as is”.

We’ll certainly have more information when the team gathers for training camp next Tuesday. Stay tuned!

The Shockers Revamped for Fall Season

The Shockers have been quite quiet about the rebuilding of the team but with the Fall '09 season fast approaching it is time to take a look at the new and improved Shockers.

The Newbies:

Bottom line, everyone should be pretty excited to see what the new guys can do as they are the main constituents of the Shockers offense this season. Mike Rossi, Nick Petosa, Mark Gamboz, Mike Minkiewicz and Carlo Varano have agreed to sign on for minimally this season, all depending where the team ends up in the playoffs. Rossi is quick, plays smart and he's got a good eye for the play should be able to contribute to Shocker goal production. He did sub in for a game last season for the Shockers but sustained a season-ending injury during a regualr season game with his former team Damage Inc.

Petosa and Minkiewicz will be ther surprises of the season as the Shockers' scouts blindly signed these two in a package deal to get Rossi.

"Their good guys. We played together for awhile so we know each other," commented Rossi.

Mark Gamboz subbed a game for the Shockers in the summer season and turned some heads with his gritness and speed. He will definately be a big help as the Shockers always lacked speed up in front in the past.

Carlo Varano was a late signing after former captain, Andrew Stevens, announced to the team that he would be sitting out this season to focus on other life projects. Varano who played with Alain Godard and Stevens with the Blues in the Elite league of the NABHL three years ago was a key player in the success of the Blues. Since then, the Blues had disbanded leaving Varano on the free agent market.

The Comback Kid:

The comeback kid this season is the Green Giant himself, Gary McDermott, who had missed the cut last season but had subbed a few games for the Shockers. The team is very happy to have his solidness back on the blueline.

"He's smart and knows the game so it's a big help to have him back," commented impromptu captain, Francois Hamelin.

The Veterans:

The verterans returning for this season are Alain Godard, Frankie Ortuso, Benoit Ducharme, Joey Rae, Jeff Jasmin, Marc Boucher, Greg Emmanuel, Francois Hamelin and Giancarlo Capaz.

Godard is without long-time linemate Andrew Stevens this season so he will be looking to step up his game and take the reigns of the first line.

Ortuso will be most-likely teamed up with good friend Mark Gamboz and should be a dynamic duo as they are both pretty fast players. Ortuso looks to make a bigger impact this season as it took him a good number of games before finding the back of the net last season.

Ducharme, the most veteran centerman on the team, will have a new task to adjust his game to accomodate much of the new talent. Over time he has learned to play with many styles so look for him to jump into the production department more and more as the season progresses.

Rae makes his second appearance as the Shockers' burly blueliner. He is looking forward to jumping into the rythm of the season as he will have to modify his gameplay for his new defensive partner who has yet to be named just yet.

As for Jasmin, every season is an improvement from the last and the Shockers feel very lucky to have him covering the back field but he will soon feel more responsibility to be a solid building block for the defense as he is the most energetic human being on the floor to date. There is a lot of floor to cover and he will play an integral role of stopping the opposition, and quaterbacking the play back into the offensive zone.

"The Claw" Boucher had a decent season during the summer and the Shockers should utilize this guy more on the powerplay for this upcoming season. Arguably one of the better shots from the blueline, his shot could be a difference maker in the tight situations. With the team looking to stay out of the box and stay on the floor, they should see more opportunities on the powerplay and why not have some fire power from the back end?

Emmanuel a.k.a Lids will return for another season. Despite his rough start with the team in the NABHL, he returned last season in PTM as a new and imporved player. He is a solid offensive defenseman with a lot of good ideas so look for him to be jumping up on the rush or leading the charge for the boys in black-red and white.

Hamelin, who, despite last season, was unsure about his future with the team returns as the initiator of the team. Practically building the team from ground zero and showing that he can construct a new face for the team to keep the dynasty alive for another season. The veteran wants to improve his point total this season but had made clear that points do not matter for him, he just wants to win.

Last but not least is the backbone of the team, Giancarlo Capaz. His new motivation is having a new team in front of him. He had made it perfectly clear that last season's disappointments were due to being on the penalty kill for most of the games. Capaz was inticed to return to the Shockers when management came to him with promises of the signing Rossi, Petoso and Minkiewicz, whom are all his former teammates of Damage Inc. Capaz, usually solid, but had a hot and cold season in the summer will look to step up his game to be hot in the pipes to keep the team on fire all fall and winter.

The Long and Short:

The Shockers have a good chance at being a top team in PTM this fall. The goal should be to play hard every game, get in good position for the playoffs and hopefully pave a golden road to the championships. Only time will tell as to where this, so far, captain-less team will end up at the end of the season.

The Shockers will have an exhibition game next Tuesday where most the of the players will be dressed to play.

Summer News: What have they been up to? (Part Three!)

Since the Shockers were eliminated in the early rounds of the playoffs, most of the players headed in their own directions to keep in game shape, realign their Chi or to pursue their dreams that had been held back due to the grueling schedule of Shocker life. In this edition of "What have they been up to?" we had to dig deep to track down these Shockers who had practically disappeared off the planet, literally!

Francois "Baguette-Baguette-Fromage" Hamelin, since the fall of the Shockers in the playoffs had moved to Paris, France to live out his dream of being a typical Parisian, little bike with the big basket and all the trimmings. Trading in most of his button-up shirts for (more) mime-like sweaters, white sunglasses and flamboyantly gay scarves, he had blended his way into the french society just like he always wanted. However, growing tired of just baguettes and cheese bukakes, Hamelin decided to return to Canada and try out for the Canadian Speed Skating team.

He had showed up to the tryouts with nothing but basic CCM skates which he bought second hand at a garage sale and easily made the team. You can see his olympic profile on the Team Canada site, here. Hamelin assured the team that the olympics would not get in the way of the Shockers season and if need be, he'd be willing to miss a race or two if it interfered with a game.

"Some people train all their life for the Olympics...I trained my entire life to pounding vaaaag...and playing for the Shockers...the Olympics for me is a place to show everyone I can skate fast but it definitely doesn't get my rocks off or beer in my hand, that's for true!" commented Hamelin.

Look for Hamelin to light up the speed skating track in Vancouver 2010 but in the meantime, he'll be diving around on the floor for the Shockers.

Phil "Stunt Double" McHugh, spent his summer as a star undertaking a contract to be a stunt-double in the movie Slumdog Millionaire.

"I always wanted to be in movies and the producers said I looked brown enough to be in the movie," explained McHugh.

However, being in the blistering heat of India during the filming of the movie, Phil began to miss the shitty weather of North America and came down with a condition called IceSkatitis where all he wants to do is skate on ice. "I even tied hunting knives to my Chuck Taylor running shoes," boasted Phil.

McHugh had broken the news to the team management that he will be hanging it up after one season with the Shockers to pursue his new roll as Goofy in the Disney Icecapades.

"I was always a Ronald McDonald kid myself but they told me he wasn't a Disney character...apparently Google agrees with them, I looked that shit up," said McHugh.

Newcomer to the team Mike "I'm Rick James, Bitch!" Rossi had been seen in the hottest clubs of Los Angeles regurgitating quotes from Dave Chappelle's skit of Rick James.

"I love that sh*t....I actually feel that I'M RICK JAMES BITCH!" commented Rossi.

Aside from moonlighting in L.A., Rossi has signed on to be the latest fresh face of Soul Glo. Soul Glo, dominate in the black community, is trying to expand their sales into other communities by featuring pop-culture's famous faces into their latest campaign ads.

"Mike is a newcomer to the Shockers so there is already a lot of buzz surrounding him. We feel he was the best candidate to bust a sales nut into the young Italian..........market," commented Soul Glo's spokesman Billy White.

Look for more updates on the Shockers in the next coming days!

Support the Green Giant

Fellow Shocker and long-time humanitarian, Gary "Green Giant" McDermott, has put himself down to participate in the "Rides for Wishes" 48 hour bike marathon for the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Gary is looking for your support to make a difference in a child's (or multiple children) life. In a statement, Gary announced:

"My goal is simply to ride for the children and help make possible a happy moment in their life. Thank you for your generosity."

You can sponsor McDermott online on the Make-A-Wish Foundation site here.

** If you can't see the site, go to https://secure.e2rm.com/registrant/StartUp.aspx?EID=25869&Lang=en-CA and search for Gary McDermott **

Summer News: What have they been up to? Part Deux!

A couple of weeks ago you read about how some of the boys in red-black-white have been enjoying their summer break after being eliminated from the playoffs in their debut season at PTM. As promised here is the scoop on some of the other Shockers who you all live to love.


What’s going on with Greg Lidstrom? The trendy blue liner has been chilaxing in Europe, enjoying time on the nicest topless beaches of the world. “It’s a nice place to be, a beach full of gorgeous topless girls… Makes my pipi hard.”. Rumors around the gym locker states that GMan hasn’t been putting a lot of emphasis on his training. Training partner Jeff “The brown trumpet” Jasmin corroborated the rumors “Yeah I heard… He’s a nudist or some silly shit, I saw those pics… All I can tell him is – bring your ass to the gym and get a haircut, you look like a dirty Mexican.”. Greg should be back on the treadmill by the end of the week.



Frankie “The Boss” Ortuso (a.k.a. STD) has been taking care of his business. The speedy winger owns a couple of sexy car wash joints in Montreal. Good friend Joey Rae always gives a good word to advertise the business “Yeah… The best hand job in town… hehehe… Give me anotherCorona.” The half grill bulldog is a wealthy and savvy businessman “I’m my own boss, make good coins and tap the nicest ass in town, for real! No joke! Calling me a liar?” Shockers management was happy to sign him for another season “He has everything we’re looking for in a player. Obviously he’s not perfect, he did miss a few games last year… We won’t go in details but he did tell us to ‘forget about it,’ so we took his word.” Digging further into that story, The Boss had to miss a few games after catching the clap… Anonymous clerk from the drugstore “I was told his balls were like grapefruits… He had to take extra strength penis medicine for a month.”



Gary “The Green Giant” McDermott has been travelling all over the U.S. Gary was recently donated a van and decided to tour the U.S. “Yeah, I’m a van guy! I love my bike too but you can’t bone on a bike. Always wanted to be a van guy. Vans rule! Vans shoes, Van Morrison, Van Houtte…even read Rip Van Winkle when I was a kid…rock on!” The gentle giant appeared to be totally transformed since he became a van guy, “I fixed this van to my likings, it’s not just a way of transportation… It’s a lifestyle. If this van is rocking… don’t knock, just come in and join the orgy…dry run – no lube!” Shockers defensive squad had a raging semi when they heard the Green Giant was back in the lineup for another season of green peas and string beans.

Andrew « Mud Butt » Stevens has been working on his hybrid bicycle prototype project most of the summer. The Shockers captain loves to hop on a bike and ride for endless hours, “on my bike I forget all my problems, a nice ride and a 40 oz of Colt45… life is gravy. You know, it’s not always easy living in a trailer park behind McDonald’s, I remember a few years ago… [insert endless complaint]… 8 MILES!!!”



Stevens and his wife (even though they did not officially have a wedding) biked around the province of Quebec part of the summer. When we asked to see the prototype, the designer said he was still working on the basics and showed us the fruit of his labor:

Seems like Mr.89 really needed a summer break and he’s looking forward to the next challenge “It was my first season wearing the C, I expected better results. Mark my words, this team will definitely be better next season…” Shockers management sent a clear message to the team and fans when they extended his contract for another 8 seasons: “Andy has been part of this team since day 1, always a proud Shocker. Immature at times? Maybe. Raging alcoholic? Probably. Gets high off permanent markers? Don’t we all? The guy isn’t perfect but he’s always been a proud son of a bitch. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?”


Former captain and Sideshow Bob look-alike, Alain “The Strips” Godard, has been kicking back most off his days bouncing in between the fanciest strip clubs of Montreal and the pristine beaches of Cuba. El pene con el pelo rizado,as he is known in Cuba, has been seen soaking up the sun in multi-colored speedo’s sipping on virgin mojitos and macking under-aged Cubans. While back in Montreal he has been terrorizing the strips like they might be going out of style. Godard has been noted to be setting no limits when it comes to how much he’d pay for a lap dance and a little slap and tickle. Where is he getting all this money? Well, he recently sold his 1984 DeLorean to teammate Giancarlo Capaz with a hand written statement that this was the original car from Back to the Future. Even though everyone knows that the original car from the movie was purchased by Malcolm in the Middle superstar Frankie Muniz for $1.5 Million, he is convinced otherwise: “The car is real!” assured Godard, “[Capaz] got a great deal on it. The car is worth a million bucks but it can never measure up to Montreal Mouthjob.”

Blog Facelift

As you can see the Shockers' blog got a face-lift today to reflect the colors of the team nowadays.

Stay tuned for a very riveting blog about what the boys in red-white-black have been up to during their very long summer break!

Summer News: What have they been up to?

The Shockers got booted in the first round of the playoff and this resulted in a long off-season for them. Andrew Stevens, who captained the team for the first time, commented on the end of the season: “Our first season in PTM, we’ve learn a few things and one of them is: don’t get eliminated in the first round cause it’s going to be a long f**king summer.” On the bright side it will give some time for the guys to take their mind off the game and come back rejuvenated for next season. What are those Shockers up to?

Giancarlo “Hollywood Pépé a.k.a The Drunken Clam” Capaz has been spotted in Las Vegas, NV where he spent most of his summer and money. He’s just reported back to Montreal last week to attend several backyard BBQ’s. “Back in town baby, time to get in shape for next season,” stated the Shockers’ net minder while thumbing through old editions of Penthouse and taking swigs of his 1.18L of VodKice.

Jeff “Brown Bomber” Jasmin has been training like there’s no tomorrow (ever since he watched the movie ‘The Knowing’), hitting the clubs and making throat babies (any Christians in the house?). One of the crowd favorites is looking forward for next season and you can expect another stellar season from the black mamba samba ramba de la bamba. “Getting bigger in more ways than one, meaner… a real wrecking machine,” stated #26 who has been high on life since last season.

Long time friend and All-Star D Greg “Lids” Emmanuel spent a few hours in the gym with B.J.J. (Big Jeff Jasmin) and had this to say: “He’s pushing his body to the limit…all he says is – ‘one more plate…shut the ‘eff up and put one more effin’ plate nigg*,’ it’s crazy!”

Fans are anxious to see the darkness brothers ruin the opposition…and, of course, a few groupies. Keep your daughters locked up after the games!

Marc “The Claw" now shortened to "Claw" due to a copyright infringement with Urban Dictionary.com Boucher, took advantage of the long off season to have various surgeries. “I needed nose surgery, that damn thing was bleeding all the time… Guys were starting to call me ‘Red Rag’.”

Surgery was successful and should help the big #55 to breath easier next season. Only down side, the operation was performed by Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon and since then he has asked for a raise in salary to feed his new found plastic surgery addiction. Will Claw show up with a nose made out of papier maché? ”Spent some time in Gaspésie, I always go there to see my fans… lots of fans up there, yep… big, big, big fan base up there, Shockers are the biggest thing since fishing and sliced bread”.

Anonymous Sketch Artist: "The Claw" post-surgery

Benoit “The Barbarian” Ducharme has been travelling on the west coast for a while. Not much news has made it back to Montreal, only some rumors left and right. Anonymous sources from California have stated he’s been staying at the Park Motel down in CA, we are unfamiliar about the place but have been told that it is a good thing we didn’t…and his girlfriend didn’t either. The rumored have leaked that Ducharme might have slipped back into the old habits of cheap hookers and crystal meth; Shockers’ management have showed concern about their elite center man. “His cell is off, he’s not reading his goddamn e-mails…out of touch man! Hopefully no news is good news, we’re already down one center man we definitely can’t afford to lose him.”

When told about the Park Motel and the shady people hanging out there, Hamelin lost it “What!!!! Meth and trannies… What the f**k is wrong with that kid???? Somebody get this guy out of there.”

More to come on the Barbarian’s west coast adventures…

Joey “Midnight Express” Rae has been taking it cool all summer, beach parties and more beach parties with a side order of beaches that had parties at them. This Corona lover has been shooting the breeze all summer long, pounding those cold Coronas like they were $5 hookers. Rae explains, “yep, that’s what I do, I pound down a twelve between two 24s…got a problem with that?”

Obviously the jolly biker look-a-like was apparently just kidding. “I’ve changed my work out… I took a Mike Komisarek approach: yoga, mud baths, spiritual guru…I’m letting the anger out and filling the empty space with beer.”

Looking forward to next season, this sour flower power tower should be matched with the Gary “Green Giant” McDermott to form a powerful pair of D. “Me and GG on the blueline…do I ear bones crushing? Huh? Huh? Get it?” chuckled Rae.

Come back for more updates on your beloved Shockers. Coming up: Alain “Strip Club” Godard, Greg “Triple Nipple” Emmanuel, Frankie “STD” Ortuso, Gary “Green Giant” McDermott and Andrew “Mud Butt” Stevens.