Shockers Kick-off Season Tonight

The Shockers are kicking off their fifth straight season as a team tonight in Laval, QC, but the team has never been in worse shape.

For starters, team management failed to fill the roster they originally planned to have.

"We're still two guys short but we wanted to make sure we didn't just take anybody who knows how to hold a hockey stick. We shopped around and we didn't find the guys who we would feel would mesh well with the rest of the guys," commented Francois Hamelin, the Shockers' current talent scout.

Nick Petosa and Mark Gamboz choked on the team at the last minute, the Shockers' did manage to land a more reliable player, Andrew Stevens, who had been holding out on contract agreements throughout much of the off-season. Stevens, despite not saying it had anything to do with the team, said that it was a personal decision to not play the season and if he did play, he would want to stay with the Shockers in Montreal. With Stevens back in the line-up it does get some of the veterans hard-ons:

"I was disappointed when Stevens said he wasn't coming back, who was I going to play with?" questioned long-time linemate, Alain Godard.

"It definately gave me more wood to have him back," added defensive big-man, Joey Rae.

"Heck ya! I went from six to midnight when he walked in the dressing room! I'm horny as f**k!" exclaimed Jeff "Big Black Train" Jasmin.

However, the good news of Stevens coming back did follow with some bad news in terms of injuries.

Mike Rossi might be sidelined once again with a reaggravated knee injury he suffered last season with Damage Inc. and had to miss the last bit of the season. His status is unknown but has not been reported to be on the injured reserve list just yet.

Joey Rae might be sitting out to nurse a shoulder injury he suffered in practice when he and Jeff Jasmin collided during a scrimmage. Team doctors have yet to confirm the severity of the injury but has been noted to be day-to-day with a game time decision attached to it. This will be the first time Rae would miss a game due to injury if team doctors do not clear him to play in tonight's match-up.

Francois Hamelin also suffered an injury to his hand in the same practice as Rae's injury and is questionable about where he stands. He did assure his team he can play but with be duct taping his stick to his glove. He did, however, express great frustration that his injured hand has dented his sexual relationship with the hand in question.

And finally, Hollywood himself, Giancarlo "Juan Carlos" Capaz, is still day-to-day with flu-like symptoms for the fourth straight season. Team doctors refuse to comment about the status of Capaz's health but confirm that he does not have H1N1 despite his recent trips down south to promote his empire of one-dollar Latino strip clubs.

To top off the bad news for the Shockers is Frankie Ortuso who will play tonight's game against the Pioneers but will miss the next 4 games as he is heading to Dallas, TX to compete in a month-long fraternity beer pong tournament. He expressed great excitement as the winner goes on to feature in the next Fat Girls Gone Wild DVD box-set due out Fall 2010.

With many game-time decisions to be made, the Shockers will have to stand tough and play solid. They should not sit back and let the Pioneers pile up on them, the forwards will need to use their speed to make a valid impact in this game.

Game Predicition:
Shockers 5
Pioneers 4