It was the first time in over two months that the Shockers reunited to play hockey. Gearing up for another thrilling season this fall, the Shockers called on The Wild for a friendly pre-season dogfight. The Wild, another D division team who will be in the Sunday league, is head-manned by friend of the Shockers' Gennaro Giarrusso (pronounced John-Renaud John-Russo).
Shockers narrowly pulled off the victory 5-3 against the speedy Wild but what was important was that they actually didn't come off as rusty as expected.
"We were a little all over the place and some guys were huffing and puffing near the end but it felt good to be out there again," commented newly elected captain, Francois Hamelin.
Among the players dressed was Andrew Stevens who has been holding out on re-signing with the team with the only reason being, "for personal reasons." Stevens netted two goals last night and seemed at home with long-time line mates Alain Godard and Ben Ducharme but still gave no word about his return to the line-up.
"No comment," added Stevens agent, J.P. Barry.
Also in the line-up was former bruiser, Dwayne Pilon, who has aspirations to return to the team after a long absence.
"I was busy with work and other activities outside of hockey but I want to make sure that the Shockers know I'm here for them if I'm needed," explained Pilon.
Hamelin was approached by the press about the current Shocker line-up and he replied that he was faced with new challenges. There are two players who had confirmed for about two months that they were part of the team and since this past week have now dropped out of their contracts. Speedy forward, Mark Gamboz, had announced to team management that he was unable to commit to a full season for an unexpected reason. Also bailing on the team is new-comer (and go'er), Nick Petosa who left the team high and dry due to a personal reason which was not released to the press. Team management did announce that they were currently testing the market to fill the voids created by Gamboz and Petosa but with the clock ticking quickly until the new season, it will be interesting what Hamelin and his crew decide to run with.
More news to come in the coming days...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Stevens: Out for the season
The chance to see power forward Andrew Stevens in the line up are getting slimmer everyday. Management tried to convince the left winger to join the team for the 2009/10 season, but
seems like Mr.89 has other plans. The decision took everybody by surprise, former line mate Alain Godard explains “He decided not to play this year”… when asked to ellaborate Godard stated “Drew is messed up, one day he’s a singer, next day a comedian, a soccer player, a cyclist, a juggler, a striper, a puppeteer and the list goes on and on. He just needs some time to get his shit together.”
Apparently shaken by the void created by the departure, AG74 comments we’re pretty erratic “Don’t ask me about Stevens… I’m not f**king Nostradamus. Yeah I remember grinding my feet on his couch, cocaine is a hell of a drug”. Clearly, nobody was going to get any valuable information out of the brave heart stunt double.
Stevens spent a lot of time discussing the topic with Mats Sundin, he felt he could get a few pointers from him. “I meet Sundin when I was travelling this summer, I was lucky enough to be introduced to him. We sat down and he talked to me for a few hours… I would of probably learned something if he hadn’t decided to make his entire speech in Swedish!!! Big bald dummy, made me lose wood and precious time.”
Management is still hoping to see Stevens have a last minute change of heart, “There’s an open spot up front, if he wants it, done deal…else the rosters will stay as is”.
We’ll certainly have more information when the team gathers for training camp next Tuesday. Stay tuned!
seems like Mr.89 has other plans. The decision took everybody by surprise, former line mate Apparently shaken by the void created by the departure, AG74 comments we’re pretty erratic “Don’t ask me about Stevens… I’m not f**king Nostradamus. Yeah I remember grinding my feet on his couch, cocaine is a hell of a drug”. Clearly, nobody was going to get any valuable information out of the brave heart stunt double.
Stevens spent a lot of time discussing the topic with Mats Sundin, he felt he could get a few pointers from him. “I meet Sundin when I was travelling this summer, I was lucky enough to be introduced to him. We sat down and he talked to me for a few hours… I would of probably learned something if he hadn’t decided to make his entire speech in Swedish!!! Big bald dummy, made me lose wood and precious time.”
Management is still hoping to see Stevens have a last minute change of heart, “There’s an open spot up front, if he wants it, done deal…else the rosters will stay as is”.
We’ll certainly have more information when the team gathers for training camp next Tuesday. Stay tuned!
The Shockers Revamped for Fall Season
The Shockers have been quite quiet about the rebuilding of the team but with the Fall '09 season fast approaching it is time to take a look at the new and improved Shockers.
The Newbies:
Bottom line, everyone should be pretty excited to see what the new guys can do as they are the main constituents of the Shockers offense this season. Mike Rossi, Nick Petosa, Mark Gamboz, Mike Minkiewicz and Carlo Varano have agreed to sign on for minimally this season, all depending where the team ends up in the playoffs. Rossi is quick, plays smart and he's got a good eye for the play should be able to contribute to Shocker goal production. He did sub in for a game last season for the Shockers but sustained a season-ending injury during a regualr season game with his former team Damage Inc.
Petosa and Minkiewicz will be ther surprises of the season as the Shockers' scouts blindly signed these two in a package deal to get Rossi.
"Their good guys. We played together for awhile so we know each other," commented Rossi.
Mark Gamboz subbed a game for the Shockers in the summer season and turned some heads with his gritness and speed. He will definately be a big help as the Shockers always lacked speed up in front in the past.
Carlo Varano was a late signing after former captain, Andrew Stevens, announced to the team that he would be sitting out this season to focus on other life projects. Varano who played with Alain Godard and Stevens with the Blues in the Elite league of the NABHL three years ago was a key player in the success of the Blues. Since then, the Blues had disbanded leaving Varano on the free agent market.
The Comback Kid:
The comeback kid this season is the Green Giant himself, Gary McDermott, who had missed the cut last season but had subbed a few games for the Shockers. The team is very happy to have his solidness back on the blueline.
"He's smart and knows the game so it's a big help to have him back," commented impromptu captain, Francois Hamelin.
The Veterans:
The verterans returning for this season are Alain Godard, Frankie Ortuso, Benoit Ducharme, Joey Rae, Jeff Jasmin, Marc Boucher, Greg Emmanuel, Francois Hamelin and Giancarlo Capaz.
Godard is without long-time linemate Andrew Stevens this season so he will be looking to step up his game and take the reigns of the first line.
Ortuso will be most-likely teamed up with good friend Mark Gamboz and should be a dynamic duo as they are both pretty fast players. Ortuso looks to make a bigger impact this season as it took him a good number of games before finding the back of the net last season.
Ducharme, the most veteran centerman on the team, will have a new task to adjust his game to accomodate much of the new talent. Over time he has learned to play with many styles so look for him to jump into the production department more and more as the season progresses.
Rae makes his second appearance as the Shockers' burly blueliner. He is looking forward to jumping into the rythm of the season as he will have to modify his gameplay for his new defensive partner who has yet to be named just yet.
As for Jasmin, every season is an improvement from the last and the Shockers feel very lucky to have him covering the back field but he will soon feel more responsibility to be a solid building block for the defense as he is the most energetic human being on the floor to date. There is a lot of floor to cover and he will play an integral role of stopping the opposition, and quaterbacking the play back into the offensive zone.
"The Claw" Boucher had a decent season during the summer and the Shockers should utilize this guy more on the powerplay for this upcoming season. Arguably one of the better shots from the blueline, his shot could be a difference maker in the tight situations. With the team looking to stay out of the box and stay on the floor, they should see more opportunities on the powerplay and why not have some fire power from the back end?
Emmanuel a.k.a Lids will return for another season. Despite his rough start with the team in the NABHL, he returned last season in PTM as a new and imporved player. He is a solid offensive defenseman with a lot of good ideas so look for him to be jumping up on the rush or leading the charge for the boys in black-red and white.
Hamelin, who, despite last season, was unsure about his future with the team returns as the initiator of the team. Practically building the team from ground zero and showing that he can construct a new face for the team to keep the dynasty alive for another season. The veteran wants to improve his point total this season but had made clear that points do not matter for him, he just wants to win.
Last but not least is the backbone of the team, Giancarlo Capaz. His new motivation is having a new team in front of him. He had made it perfectly clear that last season's disappointments were due to being on the penalty kill for most of the games. Capaz was inticed to return to the Shockers when management came to him with promises of the signing Rossi, Petoso and Minkiewicz, whom are all his former teammates of Damage Inc. Capaz, usually solid, but had a hot and cold season in the summer will look to step up his game to be hot in the pipes to keep the team on fire all fall and winter.
The Long and Short:
The Shockers have a good chance at being a top team in PTM this fall. The goal should be to play hard every game, get in good position for the playoffs and hopefully pave a golden road to the championships. Only time will tell as to where this, so far, captain-less team will end up at the end of the season.
The Shockers will have an exhibition game next Tuesday where most the of the players will be dressed to play.
The Newbies:
Bottom line, everyone should be pretty excited to see what the new guys can do as they are the main constituents of the Shockers offense this season. Mike Rossi, Nick Petosa, Mark Gamboz, Mike Minkiewicz and Carlo Varano have agreed to sign on for minimally this season, all depending where the team ends up in the playoffs. Rossi is quick, plays smart and he's got a good eye for the play should be able to contribute to Shocker goal production. He did sub in for a game last season for the Shockers but sustained a season-ending injury during a regualr season game with his former team Damage Inc.
Petosa and Minkiewicz will be ther surprises of the season as the Shockers' scouts blindly signed these two in a package deal to get Rossi.
"Their good guys. We played together for awhile so we know each other," commented Rossi.
Mark Gamboz subbed a game for the Shockers in the summer season and turned some heads with his gritness and speed. He will definately be a big help as the Shockers always lacked speed up in front in the past.
Carlo Varano was a late signing after former captain, Andrew Stevens, announced to the team that he would be sitting out this season to focus on other life projects. Varano who played with Alain Godard and Stevens with the Blues in the Elite league of the NABHL three years ago was a key player in the success of the Blues. Since then, the Blues had disbanded leaving Varano on the free agent market.
The Comback Kid:
The comeback kid this season is the Green Giant himself, Gary McDermott, who had missed the cut last season but had subbed a few games for the Shockers. The team is very happy to have his solidness back on the blueline.
"He's smart and knows the game so it's a big help to have him back," commented impromptu captain, Francois Hamelin.
The Veterans:
The verterans returning for this season are Alain Godard, Frankie Ortuso, Benoit Ducharme, Joey Rae, Jeff Jasmin, Marc Boucher, Greg Emmanuel, Francois Hamelin and Giancarlo Capaz.
Godard is without long-time linemate Andrew Stevens this season so he will be looking to step up his game and take the reigns of the first line.
Ortuso will be most-likely teamed up with good friend Mark Gamboz and should be a dynamic duo as they are both pretty fast players. Ortuso looks to make a bigger impact this season as it took him a good number of games before finding the back of the net last season.
Ducharme, the most veteran centerman on the team, will have a new task to adjust his game to accomodate much of the new talent. Over time he has learned to play with many styles so look for him to jump into the production department more and more as the season progresses.
Rae makes his second appearance as the Shockers' burly blueliner. He is looking forward to jumping into the rythm of the season as he will have to modify his gameplay for his new defensive partner who has yet to be named just yet.
As for Jasmin, every season is an improvement from the last and the Shockers feel very lucky to have him covering the back field but he will soon feel more responsibility to be a solid building block for the defense as he is the most energetic human being on the floor to date. There is a lot of floor to cover and he will play an integral role of stopping the opposition, and quaterbacking the play back into the offensive zone.
"The Claw" Boucher had a decent season during the summer and the Shockers should utilize this guy more on the powerplay for this upcoming season. Arguably one of the better shots from the blueline, his shot could be a difference maker in the tight situations. With the team looking to stay out of the box and stay on the floor, they should see more opportunities on the powerplay and why not have some fire power from the back end?
Emmanuel a.k.a Lids will return for another season. Despite his rough start with the team in the NABHL, he returned last season in PTM as a new and imporved player. He is a solid offensive defenseman with a lot of good ideas so look for him to be jumping up on the rush or leading the charge for the boys in black-red and white.
Hamelin, who, despite last season, was unsure about his future with the team returns as the initiator of the team. Practically building the team from ground zero and showing that he can construct a new face for the team to keep the dynasty alive for another season. The veteran wants to improve his point total this season but had made clear that points do not matter for him, he just wants to win.
Last but not least is the backbone of the team, Giancarlo Capaz. His new motivation is having a new team in front of him. He had made it perfectly clear that last season's disappointments were due to being on the penalty kill for most of the games. Capaz was inticed to return to the Shockers when management came to him with promises of the signing Rossi, Petoso and Minkiewicz, whom are all his former teammates of Damage Inc. Capaz, usually solid, but had a hot and cold season in the summer will look to step up his game to be hot in the pipes to keep the team on fire all fall and winter.
The Long and Short:
The Shockers have a good chance at being a top team in PTM this fall. The goal should be to play hard every game, get in good position for the playoffs and hopefully pave a golden road to the championships. Only time will tell as to where this, so far, captain-less team will end up at the end of the season.
The Shockers will have an exhibition game next Tuesday where most the of the players will be dressed to play.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Summer News: What have they been up to? (Part Three!)
Since the Shockers were eliminated in the early rounds of the playoffs, most of the players headed in their own directions to keep in game shape, realign their Chi or to pursue their dreams that had been held back due to the grueling schedule of Shocker life. In this edition of "What have they been up to?" we had to dig deep to track down these Shockers who had practically disappeared off the planet, literally!
Francois "Baguette-Baguette-Fromage" Hamelin, since the fall of the Shockers in the playoffs had moved to Paris, France to live out his dream of being a typical Parisian, little bike with the big basket and all the trimmings. Trading in most of his button-up shirts for (more) mime-like sweaters, white sunglasses and flamboyantly gay scarves, he had blended his way into the french society just like he always wanted. However, growing tired of just baguettes and cheese bukakes, Hamelin decided to return to Canada and try out for the Canadian Speed Skating team.
He had showed up to the tryouts with nothing but basic CCM skates which he bought second hand at a garage sale and easily made the team. You can see his olympic profile on the Team Canada site, here. Hamelin assured the team that the olympics would not get in the way of the Shockers season and if need be, he'd be willing to miss a race or two if it interfered with a game.
"Some people train all their life for the Olympics...I trained my entire life to pounding vaaaag...and playing for the Shockers...the Olympics for me is a place to show everyone I can skate fast but it definitely doesn't get my rocks off or beer in my hand, that's for true!" commented Hamelin.
Look for Hamelin to light up the speed skating track in Vancouver 2010 but in the meantime, he'll be diving around on the floor for the Shockers.
Phil "Stunt Double" McHugh, spent his summer as a star undertaking a contract to be a stunt-double in the movie Slumdog Millionaire.
"I always wanted to be in movies and the producers said I looked brown enough to be in the movie," explained McHugh.
However, being in the blistering heat of India during the filming of the movie, Phil began to miss the shitty weather of North America and came down with a condition called IceSkatitis where all he wants to do is skate on ice. "I even tied hunting knives to my Chuck Taylor running shoes," boasted Phil.
McHugh had broken the news to the team management that he will be hanging it up after one season with the Shockers to pursue his new roll as Goofy in the Disney Icecapades.
"I was always a Ronald McDonald kid myself but they told me he wasn't a Disney character...apparently Google agrees with them, I looked that shit up," said McHugh.
Newcomer to the team Mike "I'm Rick James, Bitch!" Rossi had been seen in the hottest clubs of Los Angeles regurgitating quotes from Dave Chappelle's skit of Rick James.
"I love that sh*t....I actually feel that I'M RICK JAMES BITCH!" commented Rossi.
Aside from moonlighting in L.A., Rossi has signed on to be the latest fresh face of Soul Glo. Soul Glo, dominate in the black community, is trying to expand their sales into other communities by featuring pop-culture's famous faces into their latest campaign ads.
"Mike is a newcomer to the Shockers so there is already a lot of buzz surrounding him. We feel he was the best candidate to bust a sales nut into the young Italian..........market," commented Soul Glo's spokesman Billy White.
Look for more updates on the Shockers in the next coming days!
Francois "Baguette-Baguette-Fromage" Hamelin, since the fall of the Shockers in the playoffs had moved to Paris, France to live out his dream of being a typical Parisian, little bike with the big basket and all the trimmings. Trading in most of his button-up shirts for (more) mime-like sweaters, white sunglasses and flamboyantly gay scarves, he had blended his way into the french society just like he always wanted. However, growing tired of just baguettes and cheese bukakes, Hamelin decided to return to Canada and try out for the Canadian Speed Skating team.
He had showed up to the tryouts with nothing but basic CCM skates which he bought second hand at a garage sale and easily made the team. You can see his olympic profile on the Team Canada site, here. Hamelin assured the team that the olympics would not get in the way of the Shockers season and if need be, he'd be willing to miss a race or two if it interfered with a game."Some people train all their life for the Olympics...I trained my entire life to pounding vaaaag...and playing for the Shockers...the Olympics for me is a place to show everyone I can skate fast but it definitely doesn't get my rocks off or beer in my hand, that's for true!" commented Hamelin.
Look for Hamelin to light up the speed skating track in Vancouver 2010 but in the meantime, he'll be diving around on the floor for the Shockers.
Phil "Stunt Double" McHugh, spent his summer as a star undertaking a contract to be a stunt-double in the movie Slumdog Millionaire.
"I always wanted to be in movies and the producers said I looked brown enough to be in the movie," explained McHugh.
However, being in the blistering heat of India during the filming of the movie, Phil began to miss the shitty weather of North America and came down with a condition called IceSkatitis where all he wants to do is skate on ice. "I even tied hunting knives to my Chuck Taylor running shoes," boasted Phil.McHugh had broken the news to the team management that he will be hanging it up after one season with the Shockers to pursue his new roll as Goofy in the Disney Icecapades.
"I was always a Ronald McDonald kid myself but they told me he wasn't a Disney character...apparently Google agrees with them, I looked that shit up," said McHugh.
Newcomer to the team Mike "I'm Rick James, Bitch!" Rossi had been seen in the hottest clubs of Los Angeles regurgitating quotes from Dave Chappelle's skit of Rick James."I love that sh*t....I actually feel that I'M RICK JAMES BITCH!" commented Rossi.
Aside from moonlighting in L.A., Rossi has signed on to be the latest fresh face of Soul Glo. Soul Glo, dominate in the black community, is trying to expand their sales into other communities by featuring pop-culture's famous faces into their latest campaign ads.
"Mike is a newcomer to the Shockers so there is already a lot of buzz surrounding him. We feel he was the best candidate to bust a sales nut into the young Italian..........market," commented Soul Glo's spokesman Billy White.
Look for more updates on the Shockers in the next coming days!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Support the Green Giant
Fellow Shocker and long-time humanitarian, Gary "Green Giant" McDermott, has put himself down to participate in the "Rides for Wishes" 48 hour bike marathon for the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Gary is looking for your support to make a difference in a child's (or multiple children) life. In a statement, Gary announced:
"My goal is simply to ride for the children and help make possible a happy moment in their life. Thank you for your generosity."
You can sponsor McDermott online on the Make-A-Wish Foundation site here.
** If you can't see the site, go to https://secure.e2rm.com/registrant/StartUp.aspx?EID=25869&Lang=en-CA and search for Gary McDermott **
Gary is looking for your support to make a difference in a child's (or multiple children) life. In a statement, Gary announced:
"My goal is simply to ride for the children and help make possible a happy moment in their life. Thank you for your generosity."
You can sponsor McDermott online on the Make-A-Wish Foundation site here.
** If you can't see the site, go to https://secure.e2rm.com/registrant/StartUp.aspx?EID=25869&Lang=en-CA and search for Gary McDermott **
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Summer News: What have they been up to? Part Deux!
A couple of weeks ago you read about how some of the boys in red-black-white have been enjoying their summer break after being eliminated from the playoffs in their debut season at PTM. As promised here is the scoop on some of the other Shockers who you all live to love.
What’s going on with Greg Lidstrom? The trendy blue liner has been chilaxing in Europe, enjoying time on the nicest topless beaches of the world. “It’s a nice place to be, a beach full of gorgeous topless girls… Makes my pipi hard.”. Rumors around the gym locker states that GMan hasn’t been putting a lot of emphasis on his training. Training partner Jeff “The brown trumpet” Jasmin corroborated the rumors “Yeah I heard… He’s a nudist or some silly shit, I saw those pics… All I can tell him is – bring your ass to the gym and get a haircut, you look like a dirty Mexican.”. Greg should be back on the treadmill by the end of the week.
Frankie “The Boss” Ortuso (a.k.a. STD) has been taking care of his business. The speedy winger owns a couple of sexy car wash joints in
Montreal. Good friend Joey Rae always gives a good word to advertise the business “Yeah… The best hand job in town… hehehe… Give me anotherCorona.” The half grill bulldog is a wealthy and savvy businessman “I’m my own boss, make good coins and tap the nicest ass in town, for real! No joke! Calling me a liar?” Shockers management was happy to sign him for another season “He has everything we’re looking for in a player. Obviously he’s not perfect, he did miss a few games last year… We won’t go in details but he did tell us to ‘forget about it,’ so we took his word.” Digging further into that story, The Boss had to miss a few games after catching the clap… Anonymous clerk from the drugstore “I was told his balls were like grapefruits… He had to take extra strength penis medicine for a month.”
Gary “The Green Giant” McDermott has been travelling all over the U.S. Gary was recently donated a van and decided to tour the U.S. “Yeah, I’m a van guy! I love my bike too but you can’t bone on a bike. Always wanted to be a van guy. Vans rule! Vans shoes, Van Morrison, Van Houtte…even read Rip Van Winkle when I was a kid…rock on!” The gentle giant appeared to be totally transformed since he became a van guy, “I fixed this van to my likings, it’s not just a way of transportation… It’s a lifestyle. If this van is rocking… don’t knock, just come in and join the orgy…dry run – no lube!” Shockers defensive squad had a raging semi when they heard the Green Giant was back in the lineup for another season of green peas and string beans.
Andrew « Mud Butt » Stevens has been working on his hybrid bicycle prototype project most of the summer. The Shockers captain loves to hop on a bike and ride for endless hours, “on my bike I forget all my problems, a nice ride and a 40 oz of Colt45… life is gravy. You know, it’s not always easy living in a trailer park behind McDonald’s, I remember a few years ago… [insert endless complaint]… 8 MILES!!!”
Stevens and his wife (even though they did not officially have a wedding) biked around the province of Quebec part of the summer. When we asked to see the prototype, the designer said he was still working on the basics and showed us the fruit of his labor:
Seems like Mr.89 really needed a summer break and he’s looking forward to the next challenge “It was my first season wearing the C, I expected better results. Mark my words, this team will definitely be better next season…” Shockers management sent a clear message to the team and fans when they extended his contract for another 8 seasons: “Andy has been part of this team since day 1, always a proud Shocker. Immature at times? Maybe. Raging alcoholic? Probably. Gets high off permanent markers? Don’t we all? The guy isn’t perfect but he’s always been a proud son of a bitch. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?”
Former captain and Sideshow Bob look-alike, Alain “The Strips” Godard, has been kicking back most off his days bouncing in between the fanciest strip clubs of Montreal and the pristine beaches of Cuba. El pene con el pelo rizado,as he is known in Cuba, has been seen soaking up the sun in multi-colored speedo’s sipping on virgin mojitos and macking under-aged Cubans. While back in Montreal he has been terrorizing the strips like they might be going out of style. Godard has been noted to be setting no limits when it comes to how much he’d pay for a lap dance and a little slap and tickle. Where is he getting all this money? Well, he recently sold his 1984 DeLorean to teammate Giancarlo Capaz with a hand written statement that this was the original car from Back to the Future. Even though everyone knows that the original car from the movie was purchased by Malcolm in the Middle superstar Frankie Muniz for $1.5 Million, he is convinced otherwise: “The car is real!” assured Godard, “[Capaz] got a great deal on it. The car is worth a million bucks but it can never measure up to Montreal Mouthjob.”
What’s going on with Greg Lidstrom? The trendy blue liner has been chilaxing in Europe, enjoying time on the nicest topless beaches of the world. “It’s a nice place to be, a beach full of gorgeous topless girls… Makes my pipi hard.”. Rumors around the gym locker states that GMan hasn’t been putting a lot of emphasis on his training. Training partner Jeff “The brown trumpet” Jasmin corroborated the rumors “Yeah I heard… He’s a nudist or some silly shit, I saw those pics… All I can tell him is – bring your ass to the gym and get a haircut, you look like a dirty Mexican.”. Greg should be back on the treadmill by the end of the week.Frankie “The Boss” Ortuso (a.k.a. STD) has been taking care of his business. The speedy winger owns a couple of sexy car wash joints in
Montreal. Good friend Joey Rae always gives a good word to advertise the business “Yeah… The best hand job in town… hehehe… Give me anotherCorona.” The half grill bulldog is a wealthy and savvy businessman “I’m my own boss, make good coins and tap the nicest ass in town, for real! No joke! Calling me a liar?” Shockers management was happy to sign him for another season “He has everything we’re looking for in a player. Obviously he’s not perfect, he did miss a few games last year… We won’t go in details but he did tell us to ‘forget about it,’ so we took his word.” Digging further into that story, The Boss had to miss a few games after catching the clap… Anonymous clerk from the drugstore “I was told his balls were like grapefruits… He had to take extra strength penis medicine for a month.”
Gary “The Green Giant” McDermott has been travelling all over the U.S. Gary was recently donated a van and decided to tour the U.S. “Yeah, I’m a van guy! I love my bike too but you can’t bone on a bike. Always wanted to be a van guy. Vans rule! Vans shoes, Van Morrison, Van Houtte…even read Rip Van Winkle when I was a kid…rock on!” The gentle giant appeared to be totally transformed since he became a van guy, “I fixed this van to my likings, it’s not just a way of transportation… It’s a lifestyle. If this van is rocking… don’t knock, just come in and join the orgy…dry run – no lube!” Shockers defensive squad had a raging semi when they heard the Green Giant was back in the lineup for another season of green peas and string beans.Andrew « Mud Butt » Stevens has been working on his hybrid bicycle prototype project most of the summer. The Shockers captain loves to hop on a bike and ride for endless hours, “on my bike I forget all my problems, a nice ride and a 40 oz of Colt45… life is gravy. You know, it’s not always easy living in a trailer park behind McDonald’s, I remember a few years ago… [insert endless complaint]… 8 MILES!!!”
Stevens and his wife (even though they did not officially have a wedding) biked around the province of Quebec part of the summer. When we asked to see the prototype, the designer said he was still working on the basics and showed us the fruit of his labor:
Seems like Mr.89 really needed a summer break and he’s looking forward to the next challenge “It was my first season wearing the C, I expected better results. Mark my words, this team will definitely be better next season…” Shockers management sent a clear message to the team and fans when they extended his contract for another 8 seasons: “Andy has been part of this team since day 1, always a proud Shocker. Immature at times? Maybe. Raging alcoholic? Probably. Gets high off permanent markers? Don’t we all? The guy isn’t perfect but he’s always been a proud son of a bitch. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?”Former captain and Sideshow Bob look-alike, Alain “The Strips” Godard, has been kicking back most off his days bouncing in between the fanciest strip clubs of Montreal and the pristine beaches of Cuba. El pene con el pelo rizado,as he is known in Cuba, has been seen soaking up the sun in multi-colored speedo’s sipping on virgin mojitos and macking under-aged Cubans. While back in Montreal he has been terrorizing the strips like they might be going out of style. Godard has been noted to be setting no limits when it comes to how much he’d pay for a lap dance and a little slap and tickle. Where is he getting all this money? Well, he recently sold his 1984 DeLorean to teammate Giancarlo Capaz with a hand written statement that this was the original car from Back to the Future. Even though everyone knows that the original car from the movie was purchased by Malcolm in the Middle superstar Frankie Muniz for $1.5 Million, he is convinced otherwise: “The car is real!” assured Godard, “[Capaz] got a great deal on it. The car is worth a million bucks but it can never measure up to Montreal Mouthjob.”
Blog Facelift
As you can see the Shockers' blog got a face-lift today to reflect the colors of the team nowadays.
Stay tuned for a very riveting blog about what the boys in red-white-black have been up to during their very long summer break!
Stay tuned for a very riveting blog about what the boys in red-white-black have been up to during their very long summer break!
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