Summer News: What have they been up to?

The Shockers got booted in the first round of the playoff and this resulted in a long off-season for them. Andrew Stevens, who captained the team for the first time, commented on the end of the season: “Our first season in PTM, we’ve learn a few things and one of them is: don’t get eliminated in the first round cause it’s going to be a long f**king summer.” On the bright side it will give some time for the guys to take their mind off the game and come back rejuvenated for next season. What are those Shockers up to?

Giancarlo “Hollywood Pépé a.k.a The Drunken Clam” Capaz has been spotted in Las Vegas, NV where he spent most of his summer and money. He’s just reported back to Montreal last week to attend several backyard BBQ’s. “Back in town baby, time to get in shape for next season,” stated the Shockers’ net minder while thumbing through old editions of Penthouse and taking swigs of his 1.18L of VodKice.

Jeff “Brown Bomber” Jasmin has been training like there’s no tomorrow (ever since he watched the movie ‘The Knowing’), hitting the clubs and making throat babies (any Christians in the house?). One of the crowd favorites is looking forward for next season and you can expect another stellar season from the black mamba samba ramba de la bamba. “Getting bigger in more ways than one, meaner… a real wrecking machine,” stated #26 who has been high on life since last season.

Long time friend and All-Star D Greg “Lids” Emmanuel spent a few hours in the gym with B.J.J. (Big Jeff Jasmin) and had this to say: “He’s pushing his body to the limit…all he says is – ‘one more plate…shut the ‘eff up and put one more effin’ plate nigg*,’ it’s crazy!”

Fans are anxious to see the darkness brothers ruin the opposition…and, of course, a few groupies. Keep your daughters locked up after the games!

Marc “The Claw" now shortened to "Claw" due to a copyright infringement with Urban Dictionary.com Boucher, took advantage of the long off season to have various surgeries. “I needed nose surgery, that damn thing was bleeding all the time… Guys were starting to call me ‘Red Rag’.”

Surgery was successful and should help the big #55 to breath easier next season. Only down side, the operation was performed by Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon and since then he has asked for a raise in salary to feed his new found plastic surgery addiction. Will Claw show up with a nose made out of papier maché? ”Spent some time in Gaspésie, I always go there to see my fans… lots of fans up there, yep… big, big, big fan base up there, Shockers are the biggest thing since fishing and sliced bread”.

Anonymous Sketch Artist: "The Claw" post-surgery

Benoit “The Barbarian” Ducharme has been travelling on the west coast for a while. Not much news has made it back to Montreal, only some rumors left and right. Anonymous sources from California have stated he’s been staying at the Park Motel down in CA, we are unfamiliar about the place but have been told that it is a good thing we didn’t…and his girlfriend didn’t either. The rumored have leaked that Ducharme might have slipped back into the old habits of cheap hookers and crystal meth; Shockers’ management have showed concern about their elite center man. “His cell is off, he’s not reading his goddamn e-mails…out of touch man! Hopefully no news is good news, we’re already down one center man we definitely can’t afford to lose him.”

When told about the Park Motel and the shady people hanging out there, Hamelin lost it “What!!!! Meth and trannies… What the f**k is wrong with that kid???? Somebody get this guy out of there.”

More to come on the Barbarian’s west coast adventures…

Joey “Midnight Express” Rae has been taking it cool all summer, beach parties and more beach parties with a side order of beaches that had parties at them. This Corona lover has been shooting the breeze all summer long, pounding those cold Coronas like they were $5 hookers. Rae explains, “yep, that’s what I do, I pound down a twelve between two 24s…got a problem with that?”

Obviously the jolly biker look-a-like was apparently just kidding. “I’ve changed my work out… I took a Mike Komisarek approach: yoga, mud baths, spiritual guru…I’m letting the anger out and filling the empty space with beer.”

Looking forward to next season, this sour flower power tower should be matched with the Gary “Green Giant” McDermott to form a powerful pair of D. “Me and GG on the blueline…do I ear bones crushing? Huh? Huh? Get it?” chuckled Rae.

Come back for more updates on your beloved Shockers. Coming up: Alain “Strip Club” Godard, Greg “Triple Nipple” Emmanuel, Frankie “STD” Ortuso, Gary “Green Giant” McDermott and Andrew “Mud Butt” Stevens.