Summer News: What have they been up to? Part Deux!

A couple of weeks ago you read about how some of the boys in red-black-white have been enjoying their summer break after being eliminated from the playoffs in their debut season at PTM. As promised here is the scoop on some of the other Shockers who you all live to love.


What’s going on with Greg Lidstrom? The trendy blue liner has been chilaxing in Europe, enjoying time on the nicest topless beaches of the world. “It’s a nice place to be, a beach full of gorgeous topless girls… Makes my pipi hard.”. Rumors around the gym locker states that GMan hasn’t been putting a lot of emphasis on his training. Training partner Jeff “The brown trumpet” Jasmin corroborated the rumors “Yeah I heard… He’s a nudist or some silly shit, I saw those pics… All I can tell him is – bring your ass to the gym and get a haircut, you look like a dirty Mexican.”. Greg should be back on the treadmill by the end of the week.



Frankie “The Boss” Ortuso (a.k.a. STD) has been taking care of his business. The speedy winger owns a couple of sexy car wash joints in Montreal. Good friend Joey Rae always gives a good word to advertise the business “Yeah… The best hand job in town… hehehe… Give me anotherCorona.” The half grill bulldog is a wealthy and savvy businessman “I’m my own boss, make good coins and tap the nicest ass in town, for real! No joke! Calling me a liar?” Shockers management was happy to sign him for another season “He has everything we’re looking for in a player. Obviously he’s not perfect, he did miss a few games last year… We won’t go in details but he did tell us to ‘forget about it,’ so we took his word.” Digging further into that story, The Boss had to miss a few games after catching the clap… Anonymous clerk from the drugstore “I was told his balls were like grapefruits… He had to take extra strength penis medicine for a month.”



Gary “The Green Giant” McDermott has been travelling all over the U.S. Gary was recently donated a van and decided to tour the U.S. “Yeah, I’m a van guy! I love my bike too but you can’t bone on a bike. Always wanted to be a van guy. Vans rule! Vans shoes, Van Morrison, Van Houtte…even read Rip Van Winkle when I was a kid…rock on!” The gentle giant appeared to be totally transformed since he became a van guy, “I fixed this van to my likings, it’s not just a way of transportation… It’s a lifestyle. If this van is rocking… don’t knock, just come in and join the orgy…dry run – no lube!” Shockers defensive squad had a raging semi when they heard the Green Giant was back in the lineup for another season of green peas and string beans.

Andrew « Mud Butt » Stevens has been working on his hybrid bicycle prototype project most of the summer. The Shockers captain loves to hop on a bike and ride for endless hours, “on my bike I forget all my problems, a nice ride and a 40 oz of Colt45… life is gravy. You know, it’s not always easy living in a trailer park behind McDonald’s, I remember a few years ago… [insert endless complaint]… 8 MILES!!!”



Stevens and his wife (even though they did not officially have a wedding) biked around the province of Quebec part of the summer. When we asked to see the prototype, the designer said he was still working on the basics and showed us the fruit of his labor:

Seems like Mr.89 really needed a summer break and he’s looking forward to the next challenge “It was my first season wearing the C, I expected better results. Mark my words, this team will definitely be better next season…” Shockers management sent a clear message to the team and fans when they extended his contract for another 8 seasons: “Andy has been part of this team since day 1, always a proud Shocker. Immature at times? Maybe. Raging alcoholic? Probably. Gets high off permanent markers? Don’t we all? The guy isn’t perfect but he’s always been a proud son of a bitch. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?”


Former captain and Sideshow Bob look-alike, Alain “The Strips” Godard, has been kicking back most off his days bouncing in between the fanciest strip clubs of Montreal and the pristine beaches of Cuba. El pene con el pelo rizado,as he is known in Cuba, has been seen soaking up the sun in multi-colored speedo’s sipping on virgin mojitos and macking under-aged Cubans. While back in Montreal he has been terrorizing the strips like they might be going out of style. Godard has been noted to be setting no limits when it comes to how much he’d pay for a lap dance and a little slap and tickle. Where is he getting all this money? Well, he recently sold his 1984 DeLorean to teammate Giancarlo Capaz with a hand written statement that this was the original car from Back to the Future. Even though everyone knows that the original car from the movie was purchased by Malcolm in the Middle superstar Frankie Muniz for $1.5 Million, he is convinced otherwise: “The car is real!” assured Godard, “[Capaz] got a great deal on it. The car is worth a million bucks but it can never measure up to Montreal Mouthjob.”